What to say to a grieving friend

You’ve seen it come across your Facebook feed. A friend’s parent or in-law has just died.

A sense of loss fills you. Compassion rises up and your heart goes out to them. You wish you could make the pain better.

You likely don’t know what to say.

You want to be helpful, or at least polite, but what is that exactly in the face of loss?

“I’m so sorry,” you post. But should you add more? You want to make it better somehow.

Intellectual comments don’t help

If you’ve been posting things like this, please don’t.

“At least she had a long life.”

“She knew how much you loved her.”

“What great memories you made together.”

“You’ll see him again in heaven.”

These kinds of statements are intellectual comments, because they come from, and appeal to, the intellect. While they’re technically true, and you mean well with them, they don’t help.

That’s because grief is felt in the heart, not in the head.

Grief is going to hurt. You can’t stop that

If the loss is a big one, such as the loss of a child or a beloved spouse, that desire to say something more is even greater.

Sometimes people double-down on this type of loss.

“At least you can still have another child.”

“You were lucky to have him in your life for 16 years.”

But how can your words possibly fill the gaping hole left behind?

You can’t rationalize grief away.

Again, these things may be true. They might be able to have another child. But another child cannot ever replace the child who died. They may be fortunate to have had this child in their life for however long the child was alive. But they want their kid to still be alive right now! They want decades more of life together and they don’t have that.

The grief from loss is going to hurt. It’s supposed to. You can’t stop it, you can only move through it.

When loss occurs, it’s completely normal and natural to experience emotional pain.

This isn’t something that can be explained, medicated or distracted away. It’s not something that can be avoided. And it’s not something words or any kind of silver lining can fix.

What grieving people need

So what can you say to a grieving friend that’s helpful?

Grieving people need to be heard. They need to be listened to, without judgement, criticism or analysis. And they need this from friends and family, not just a pastor or counselor.

They also need this well beyond a week or two after the loss occurred.

Many people in the griever’s life, especially after the first couple of weeks, will change the subject, avoid the subject entirely (hoping if they don’t bring it up the griever somehow won’t remember the loss that’s always top of mind and heart) or begin to distance themselves from that person.

This leads the person in grief to withdraw and isolate themselves, rather than being in community and having the emotional support they need to recover.

Helpful things to say to someone in grief

Here are some things you can say that will help, rather than hurt:

“I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t imagine how you feel right now.” (Even if you’ve been through a similar loss, every relationship is unique and your feelings from your loss and the griever’s feelings aren’t the same. They may have some overlap, but the comparison of experiences and feelings is usually more harmful than helpful.)

“This must be so incredibly hard.”

“When can I bring you soup?”

(Or do your laundry, clean your house, pick your kids up from school, bring by some groceries, etc.)

“Would you like a hug?”

“Do you want to talk about (person’s name)?”

(People who’ve experienced the death of a loved one want desperately for that person to be remembered. Naming them and talking about them offers healing.)

Or, if you’re with them in person, say nothing and just be there with them in their grief and sorrow.

Acknowledging the pain of loss, without trying to fix it or change is, and being there, emotionally present, is the most helpful thing you can do.

Bring them meals, or organize a food chain.

Keep checking in, months and even years later.

Talk about the person they lost. Share your memories or, if you didn’t know the person who died, ask your friend to share their memories. Use the dead person’s name, as most people avoid it and it feels good to hear it and have your loved one remembered.

Be there for your friend, with an open heart. That’s how you help a grieving friend.

Originally published at www.alightintuition.com on January 12, 2019.